It's Been A Bit of Time Since Last I Wrote

Hello All
Well, perhaps by all I mean to say, "Hello Roseann." I believe I am the only one who is not only writing this, but could be the only one who is reading this as well. That's OK, I was never promised to have thousands of readers, dying for my very next word, wondering and waiting on the edge of their seats, when the next entry would be posted..."the writing is just so...delicious!" Nah, nobody promised that in any way, shape or form.
I think the issue becomes then, if no one is reading...shall I keep writing? Hmmm...question of the ages....sort of the same thing as if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears, was there a noise made by the falling tree? If no one ever reads my words of wisdom, is this a waste of my time? Not really the same, but hopefully you get the drift...I will continue to write until such time that I am pretty darn sure I have nothing left of substance to say, you can hold your breath, it could be any minute now.
Perhaps a quick summation since last I blogged,(just in case someone aside from...well me is reading): Let's see, well I went back on a protein drink replacement diet for a month or so. I had been picking up weight in a steady and slow pace and had gained around 15 pounds before I finally decided it was time to put the brakes on. As mentioned, I've done this up and down weight deal for my entire life, but in the last seventeen years or so, had come to a place where I would gain not more than twenty before I would lose the weight. To many, a twenty pound gain may sound like a ton of weight...but not for someone such as myself who had an average of seventy five pounds added at one time...yeah, twenty is "chump change."
I have never wanted to be the poster child for former fatties but that seems to be my lot in life. I have current overweight friends and colleagues who know of my larger than life past, who ask me LOTS of questions about how I did it, how I keep it off, and on and on....I am VERY happy to help these folks because I truly do know what it is like to walk in their shoes. I know the heart break of being the biggest kid in the class, heck in the whole school, it sucks. I know what it's like to be made fun of, to hear the snickers of strangers, to see out of the corner of my eye, people pointing at me and laughing to their friends as some rude comment is made at my expense. Yup, I've been there, and done that. I never will be that person again, so I guess I'm happy to be a former fatty and not a current one. It is not a bad club to belong to! I've lost the 15 or so pounds I put on over the last few months and now am back in the gym, every other day, working out. I need a new exercise program to get my muscles working in other ways.

Let The Races Begin!

Once I had been working out faithfully for about two years, I checked into a popular foot race, the Bolder Boulder. It is a 10K, (a bit over six miles), and even though I had never actually ran six miles without stopping, I had heard from friends that I wanted to try a race on and not be intimidated by other runners, this was the one to try out. Sure enough, the first Bolder Boulder I participated in was almost ten years ago, and I’ll never forget the instant relief as a couple of my running compares were wearing tutus, while still another fellow next to me had donned a diver’s mask, snorkel and fins! I knew I was going to have a great and even relaxing time! There was a different style of live band playing on mostly every corner, and on other corners, belly dancers, more tutu wearing ballerinas and every sort of runner and walker who were all there just for the experience of it! I was in heaven and so grateful that I didn’t have to be in an elite runner’s shape or that I had to compete against a bunch of serious elite runners or even joggers. We all went at our own pace, and it was the very best opening race experience I could have hoped for!

I’ve run, walked and jogged the Bolder Boulder in the past ten years every year except one, and have always felt so accomplished upon the completion. If you are at the place in your healthy lifestyle make over that you are looking for the next hurdle to jump through, begin asking around at your gym or at the local market, of an easy and fun foot race that you can try on. It is great for me to have a race to “train” for, and each year, I do a little extra cardio a few months prior to the Bolder Boulder just to get in a bit better shape. I’ve also done the Susan B. Komen Race of the Cure each year, almost every year, for the past six or so years. It is a three mile race that I also “train” for a few months prior and have been able to jog the entire race a couple of those times. I know that it may sound pretty lame of me, that I can’t jog the entire three miles, or that I take on the easiest and least competitive race I can find, but that is where I am in my life and I make no apologies for it. I just past my 48th year on this earth, and as I look in the mirror at myself, I do not think, “you really should do more,” or “you need to push yourself to get into even better shape.” Phooey on that notion! I do not have any of those sorts of noises chiming about in my brain. All I look at is how do I feel about myself? How good do I look to myself? Am I able to keep up with my precious two year old Grandson? What does the doc say at my annual checkup? (My last doctor told me I was almost the healthiest patient she had ever seen! So heck yeah, I have nothing to apologize for! I pat myself on the back throw myself an atta girl and keep on keeping on! I am a new creature, and I do not know that old girl!

The Great Wardrobe Giveaway!

When I finally gave myself some grace, and decided that even though I would probably gain ten, maybe even twenty at times, it wasn’t going to be the end of all of my hard work. I have done just that many, many times in the last eighteen years, but I’ve rarely gone higher than twenty pounds over my ideal weight. When you’ve been sixty to one hundred pounds away from your goal weight for more times than you can recall, as I have, twenty pounds away is absolutely no big deal. I can take that kind of weight off in a month or so, and keep it off for a couple of years. I'm 5'10 by the way, so I have a larger frame on my side; the only thing that matters is that I notice the gain, do something about it, and continue living life.

The next biggest change, beyond not weighing up constantly and living and dying by that dreaded number, and a three time a week work out regimen at the gym, was the great wardrobe give away! This probably was the scariest change I made in my life, to get rid of the three separate wardrobes in my closet. Until that time I used to keep several pairs of pants, blouses and skirts that ranged in sizes six to sixteen. It was really, really tough to bag up every stick of clothing that was larger than a size eight and take it to the Good Will, but I did it! I am a bit of a clothes horse, truth be told, but I also am a consignment and thrift store shopper, so my closet still rotates quite a bit, it is with a wide variety of styles, colors and looks. The sizes are no longer ten numbers in difference from the smallest to largest.

It’s Not a Diet, it’s a Lifestyle!

It was the dawn of a new day because I finally gained a confidence in myself; I knew that I knew, in the deepest part of my knower that I would NEVER again gain an incredible amount of weight, EVER!! To maintain a healthy lifestyle the rest of my life, I had to make life changes, ones that I could maintain for the rest of my life. Heard it a thousand times, but for some reason, at 30 I knew it was what I had to do. I began to slowly change my thought pattern as well. Instead of kicking myself from here to next week over a 10, even 20 pound gain, I could stop the gain right there. Stop and get back into control right then...not in two months and 50 pounds later!

Again, to someone reading this who has never known the agony yo-yo dieter lives through, all of the above sounds like the most obvious and "duh" sort of statements, I'm sure! "Of course you should stop at a 10 pound gain, you goof ball!" or "have a little self control you glutton, just stop eating!" I’ve heard it all before from thin folk who have no idea the head trip a yo-yo dieter goes on. If it were just that easy, why in the world do you think everyone is not thin? Why is dieting a multi billion dollar industry in the US alone? If it was so simple, and all you had to do was stop your out of control eating, don't you think that one of the wealthiest, most prominent figures in our recent history would have just done that...years ago? Instead, Oprah Winfrey, the queen of the yo-yo dieters, has spent most her adult life going up one hill and down, and up...you get the idea. If anyone could lose weight once and for all and just be done with this, don't you think Oprah would have been the one to conquer it once and for all? I'm just saying, it ain't that easy. Until you have been that person, and walked a mile in our big pants and fat clothes, before you sit on your skinny throne and judge, you really know not what you think you do!

Let the Weight Training Begin!!

I went out and bought a set of free weights, a bench, and a book on how to weight train and set up my mini gym in the furnace room of our house. It was a tiny room in the basement of our 1946 house; I’m talking tiny, with no window, and seriously just enough room, length wise to fit the bench and myself in it! I have a slight case of claustrophobia, so I would have to go out every time I was finished with a set, just so I wouldn’t begin panicking! I mention the inconvenience and smallness of this room, just in case you have that excuse floating about in your head, (no room to workout); whatever, it is a lame one, make your space work for you!

I then enrolled in a six week weight lifting class at the local gym and I was on my way! After I had lost about thirty or so pounds and felt like I could muster up enough confidence to go to the gym and work out next to the experienced lifters and exercisers. I began working out in the early mornings before the rest of the house was awake. I don't remember how long it took me to lose the sixty or so pounds, longer than the usual time allotted because I was no longer starving myself but trying to eat more, so that I had enough calories to exercise. But I do remember that when I had finally gotten back into the smaller size clothes that I owned, and for the very first time ever, I didn’t feel like I had come to the end of something; it wasn’t the end of my latest diet, my latest starvation mode; yes indeed, my thinking had changed! Another important realization I had arrived at; I no longer needed to be attached to a number on the scales.

As I began to retrain my physical body to get stronger, I also began retraining my mind to find other ways to look at health versus diet, lifestyle versus phases of binging and starving. I was lifting and adding muscle mass to my body, replacing fat with strong, hard muscle, which weighed twice as much as fat. For that reason, I knew that if I attached every feel good feeling to a number on the scales, I’d be forever fighting a number and not how I felt about myself. I began looking at my body in a whole new way. I began noticing that certain parts, my waste, my thighs, my calves, all of those areas began pulling in, getting smaller the more I worked out. At the same time I noticed the number on the scales was climbing a bit; for someone like me, who used to live and die by a number, I realized I had to stop looking for that golden number and begin going by how I looked in my clothes. I came to the conclusion that the only time I would ever again put myself on the scales, (other than regular physical checks by the doc), was if I began to feel like my clothes were getting tight, or if I just felt I was putting on a few extra pounds. That is all I ever use the number for now, just to keep in check so that I don’t begin climbing a hill too high and I can regain control before I get too out of control.

No More Climbing the Big Hills on The Coaster of Gain

I remember it as if it were yesterday, even though it has been more than 18 years. I had just celebrated my 30th birthday. I can recall to this day, waking up shortly after that mile marker of a birthday and coming to an incredibly simplistic but absolute truth; I had to stop dieting! I had to stop starving myself into a size...whatever, because at the end of the starving, sure as shooting, I'd be making my climb right back up to the same size I had just said good bye to a mere few months earlier!
Second realization: I had to stop beating myself up every time I over ate for a day or two; no more punishing myself for gaining a few pounds. It suddenly became crystal clear, my low self esteem and the shadows of all my fat periods were sabotaging my will power. I had become so sure that it was an unstoppable force, this weight gain, and that once that first 10 showed up, I could do nothing to stop the next sixty to one-hundred from quickly adding on. The only thing that I knew for certain was that in a few months, I'd be going on yet another diet to start the cycle once again. I was so, so weary of it all, and had I never felt what it was like to be thin, I would have indeed given up a long time ago, and decided I was destined to be fat. But, for one half of my life, ever since I was 10 years old, when I wasn't knowing the agony of being very overweight I did know the happiness, the lightness, the joy of being thin...and as you've heard many times, thin feels better than anything ever tasted!

I believe that these realizations became very clear to me at this age in particular for several reasons; my little girls were just turning five and I remember them looking at me, with wide eyed wonder at how much mommy could eat at one time! I remember during my heavy times, them trying to hug me around the top of my legs and not being able to wrap their little arms all the way around...my legs, not my waist! I remember as a little girl, my own mom and how much pain I would be in for her when we would take walks and I would hear others snicker or make a rude comment because she was over weight. I was just a kid but I really felt like I could have beaten them senseless; I was so protective of my mom. Both she and my dad were really the main reason that I decided I needed to stop the big climbs once and for ever. For my whole life, both of my parents were overweight. They were always trying to lose the weight, but especially for my dad, his weight never stopped him from living a pretty healthy lifestyle. He played for his company's volleyball team for years, did all sorts of activities with his three kids and basically he lived a very full and complete life.

That is until he was diagnosed with a very rare heart condition a few months before I was married. He had just been put on a very heavy duty heart med and his breathing had become very short and a bit labored. I will never forget the day of my wedding, when my mom's friend began signing the Hawaiian Wedding Song as Chuck and I stood on stage lost in each other's gaze. Suddenly I heard my Dad's beautiful voice singing the harmony to the song! Honestly he had one of the most lovely voices I had ever heard and that gift was, hands down, the best I could have ever imagined!

In the next few years, his heart dictated that he slow his whole way of life down, but he and my mom still were second parents as they watched their five grand daughters over night many, many times and took them on trips all over Colorado and even to other states. They helped raise my girls and my brother's kids as well and their selflessness, even though my dad was literally dying a little bit everyday, made me realize that I needed to be as healthy as I possibly could for my kids. I needed to be alive and healthy for not only my own kids, but I believe a desire to be around as a strong and healthy grandma began in me all those years ago! I wanted to be a role model of health and fitness to not only my kids but, God willing, to their kids as well.

So as I sat perched once again, looking at another sixty or so pounds to lose before I reached a reasonable weight, I knew this ride down was going to be different, because I was positive that it would be the last time I ever climbed the big hills, ever again!

Time Out to Thank Chuck

At this point, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the patience and loving support of my husband. Chuck rode beside me, through every uphill climb on the weight coaster and back down on the other side. He had no idea the pain I lived with, (he comes from a naturally thin family where weight gain was never been an issue for him), and there was only one time in our twenty four years of marriage that he said something to me about my weight. Even though he did it with compassion and wearing kid gloves, I was honestly devastated! To have my true love, who I had married just a couple of years earlier, recognize my weight issue and ask me about it. I know there are so many mean, or more to the point vicious, spouses out there who love nothing more than to belittle and put down their husband or wife because they are over weight. I don't know if I could have survived that sort of a relationship, and would not be surprised if this issue is the beginning of the end for many couples.

Oh, to be loved unconditionally by those closest, without regard to one's outward looks. Trust me, I know that is a rarity and I literally thank God almost everyday of my life, for Chuck and how he has accepted me and loved me no matter what size I grew to be! If you are that significant other in a fat person's life, please please listen to what I am about to say. If you think that harassing and haranguing is your positive contribution to help that person lose the weight, think again! If you think that asking them if they really need that chocolate shake they are about to drink or pulling food away from them, for their own good, is your way of encouraging portion control, you could not be more wrong!!!

The very best things you can do is to listen to them; when they are discouraged about not only not being able to lose, but even to start a diet and stop offering them what you think to be helpful dieting tips or advice. If they don't ask, keep your mouth closed. Instead, go with them for a walk when they are ready, cheer them when they complete a tiny goal, like losing five or ten pounds. Finally, when they've lost it all, or are well on their way, be at the finish line as they complete their first sprint triathlon. Had Chuck given me the room and the time I needed to lose the weight at my pace, I would not have EVER competed in the sprint triathlon. All of the above are great motivators; belittling, punishing remarks and attitudes are all bad motivators, all the time.
So, thank you Chuck for being rock solid, full of encouragement and empathy even if you were scared to death that I was never going to lose all that weight, you have stood by me and always made me feel like that slim and trim bride who you walked down the isle all those years ago!

Please understand, I'm not talking about training a child in the way they should go; portion control, exercising and teaching your children how to live a healthy life style is your job, so take it seriously and do it from the time they are little ones! Take away the remotes, pump the tires up in their (and your) bikes and get outside!